I felt a lot better after writing this one!

I’m grateful to the egregious Boris Johnson for being such a vile individual as to link Keir Starmer’s name to that of the truly monstrous Jimmy Saville. It was the act of a desperate man who is out of ideas and at the end of his tether. It was so grotesque that it caused my bottled-up anger to explode into this jolly little song.

Johnson is, however, carrying on a long-established and (dis)honourable tradition of telling outright lies to the public. It puts him in good company, as you can see above from the few examples I have chosen. Ill let the song say the rest, but I will dedicate this bouncy little rant to my old pal Nigel Brown. I know that Nigel shares my view of the amoral turd that is currently our Prime Minister.

… and no, it only took a few days for a new verse to become mandatory …

The Grand Old Duke of York would never grope a little girl.
He said that was a load of balderdash.
He’d quite forgot the time he gave Virginia a whirl.
So why give her a great big pile of cash?

… and then … oh dear, oh dear …

He said he was a nice man, who would not invade Ukraine.
He said he was a man who kept his word.
So what’s with all the guns and bombs and tanks and aeroplanes?
He’s mad and he’s a lying Russian turd.

… and they just keep on giving …

Our Boris thinks the laws should just adapt to his demands.
So he lied in Westminster’s hallowed halls.
He said he didn’t know about Chris Pilcher’s wandering hands.
He said that it was just a load of balls.

She told us Kwasi Kwarteng was the absolute bees knees
Then she found a bus and pushed him out in front.
But she’s silly and she is useless and her brain is made of cheese.
And she trusts that two-faced pillock, Jeremy Hunt!

He made a pile of money and he nabbed a wealthy bride.
To whom, it seems, our taxes don’t  apply.
America, it seems, is where he really wants tae bide.
I think they should go forth and multiply!

I’ve paid my tax bill now, you know.  I’ve paid five million quid.
I’d like my knighthood now if that’s all right.
I just gave cash to daddy for some hard work that he did.
It’s in Gibraltar now and I am talking nonsense.

I am grateful to my co-writer, Alexander Solzhenitsyn, for the chorus lyrics of this. I’m not sure he wrote them, but he is reported to have said them.

Here’s the mp3

and the sheet music

and just the words

They Lie

They lie. We know they lie. They know we know they lie.
We know they know we know they lie. But still they lie. But still they lie.

He told us that his queen had banged her singer and her brother.
He said she wished her kingly husband dead.
Without a son, she clearly was a bad and useless mother.
So, he told us lies and then chopped off her head.

They told us Jews were parasites, they told us they were spies.
They told it to us time and time again.
No one believed that anyone could tell a lie that size.
So we believed the words of evil men.

He told us he knew not a thing about the Watergate.
Of bugs and stolen letters – not a jot.
They tried hard to indict him, but they left it far too late.
He resigned and he escaped the bloody lot.

She told us the Belgrano was just not for turning back.
And then she simply blew it off the map.
He told us there were guns that could hit London from Iraq.
‘cos he bought a pup of presidential crap.

When asked a tricky question, inside a fridge he hid.
He thought that Donald Trump was quite a toff.
He said the NHS would get £350 million quid.
If we’d just tell the French to bugger off.

They told us Johnny Foreigner was stealing all our jobs.
They told us Britain would be great again.
While we all stayed at home and kept our masks upon our gobs.
They all got pissed at number ten.

He said the opposition would support a paedophile.
Said Starmer had the Saville monster freed.
Didn’t think that even he could sink to tell a lie so vile.
But then …

He always wins the prize for best in breed …